


Privacy

by evenso



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Living without privacy, M/M, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-21 08:33:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenso/pseuds/evenso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People like figuring out secrets, so what you do is, you bury it, and then you put a big flashing sign over it announcing what it is.  Nine times out of ten, no one will think to dig it up to check if you maybe twisted the truth a bit.  And you get to keep the part underground for yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Privacy

There’s a difference between keeping something quiet and being ashamed of it. Dean likes guys. See? He can say it. He is sexually attracted to guys. 

He maybe doesn’t talk about it so much, because hunters aren’t really a tolerant crowd. In their line of work if you don’t react quickly and aggressively to something weird you can end up dead. It’s not like you ever punch out of the job, either. That kind of thinking takes over your head if you let it. Rule number one of getting along with hunters is don’t be different. It makes them edgy.

Dean gets it, and it’s cool. He doesn’t have to act like he’s somebody he’s not, not really. It’s not like he’s not into girls too. He just keeps some other aspects of himself quiet, just while he’s around other people. It’s his secret, and he kinda likes it that way. Nothing is safe unless it’s a secret.

And no, he’s never mentioned it to Sam, because that would be gross. He could probably figure out Dean’s sex life pretty easily if he wanted to, because he’s unfortunately spent most of his life within shouting distance. Not that Dean doesn’t love the kid to death, but what he wouldn’t have given for a few more walls between them sometimes. Family and sex shouldn’t get anywhere near each other. But family’s always around, and no sex isn’t an option.

Seriously, Dean’s tried that. When he first discovered masturbation as a kid he was pretty excited. But it was kind of sick, thinking about doing that with little kid brother in the room. What if he woke up? So he’d only do it in the shower, the only place he could get a door that locked. He kept it to himself, the one thing nobody knew about him, not Sam, not Dad, the only thing that was just his. A secret.

Sex, now, that was harder to hide. As he got older he kept trying to set lines he wouldn’t cross - no sex in the back of the car - well, okay fine, then no sex in the hotel room... But his downstairs brain overrode his upstairs brain’s qualms every time. If you think about it, it is weird, being sixteen, eighteen, twenty, and still having to flirt under the eyes of your little brother, not to mention your fucking dad. Walking off with someone and knowing that your entire family knows exactly what you’re going to be doing? That’s weird.

Or it is unless you make it normal, unless you swagger around dropping hints until Dad rolls his eyes and Sam covers his ears and you lose the ability to blush. People like figuring out secrets, so what you do is, you bury it, and then you put a big flashing sign over it announcing what it is. Nine times out of ten, no one will think to dig it up to check if you maybe twisted the truth a bit. And you get to keep the part underground for yourself.

So Dean’s pretty sure Dad never really paid attention to who exactly Dean ended up with at the end of a night. Alone with Sam, Dean got a little sloppy and a lot tired, and he may not have kept his secret that well anymore. The way you deal with that is by not thinking about it. Sam probably knows quite a bit about Dean if he thinks about it, but Dean sure hopes he never does, just like Dean tries not to think about Sam thinking about it. Nobody thinks about it, nobody says a damn word about it, and therefore all is well. It’s like having privacy by pretending you do. Because really, it’s none of Sam’s business, who Dean’s attracted to.

Honestly, Dean’s not sure whether, given the right circumstances, there’s someone he couldn’t be attracted to. He’s just a physical guy. When he’s mad he punches, when he’s hungry he stuffs his face, when he likes someone he wants to fuck them. Making out is just his way of saying, “Hi, you seem nice, let’s be friends.” Dean’s a friendly guy.

Well, he used to be. A few years of nonstop killing and being killed really do a number on your libido. Not to mention watching everyone you ever cared about die, at least once. That’s actually what sticks with him most. Excuse him if he isn’t feeling so friendly these days.

Maybe he really has changed, and maybe not. Maybe he’s keeping secrets from himself, misdirecting himself like it’s a maze that - you know what, it’s better just not to think about it. The point is, now that he’s finally got four walls of his own, he’s noticing he likes to stay within them. 

Dean isn’t used to doing a lot of sitting around mooning over things. Where would he do that? He’s never had much time alone, and if Sam saw Dean falter, he’d be unsettled. Sam needed a rock in his life. So if Dean needed to retreat, he did it in public. He gave someone a big flashing smile they never bothered to look underneath, and then, even with someone else, he could be alone. It worked. And also, hey, it was really fucking fun.

Somewhere along the line, Sam got huge and independent, and Dean got left behind. Sam doesn’t watch Dean like he used to, doesn’t imitate him or look to Dean for reassurance. Dean can go in his room, lock his door and do whatever he wants.

So far, what he wants is apparently to sit in his room.

Since, shocker, no hot chicks (or fine, yes, guys) are showing up in his underground lair, there’s not a whole lot of opportunities to get laid in this new private life of his. But though he may have branched out since, he’s still a fan of masturbating. It’s kind of like fast food - not the best you’ll have, but it’s quick, easy, and you know exactly what you’re going to get. So it’s not like he’s going completely without, which is good. He’s been low enough to not care about getting off, but it’s mostly when he also doesn’t care about eating, or sleeping, or, you know, living. Right now, he apparently wants to live. Very fucking much, as a matter of fact. So that’s nice.

The fact that he’s mostly masturbating to thoughts of a guy these days, he’s fine with. Not only is he locked up in his room, it’s locked up in his head, safe and sound. He can do whatever he wants in there. Besides, he’s gotten off on some pretty weird shit, but this is surprisingly wholesome. It’s mostly just general thoughts of him - big blue eyes, stubble, his gravelly voice, or, oh fuck, his hands. 

He’s come to terms with that. It is what it is. What’s that saying - “the body has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing”. It’s not hurting anyone inside his head. Even if he did know, he’s like 70% sure Cas wouldn’t mind.

What’s upsetting is that the fucker isn’t here to mind, and he has no idea when he’ll be back.

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere along the line, Dean's misheard/misremembered a quote by Blaise Pascal, which is actually "the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing".


End file.
